Finding wife unattractive

Question

I decided to follow much of your advice, may Allah reward you. I feel that the best route would be to marry a second wife. I have tried everything to feel physically attracted to my wife and have cried to Allah. Everyday, I am scared of disobeying Allah and turning to porn and am I afraid of committing adultery, I seek refuge in Allah from that. I have found a sister through a matrimonial site online. Allah is my witness that I also wanted to do good through this second marriage as the sister is a divorcee with a child and is suffering. Instead of choosing a beautiful, young unmarried virgin, I thought that marrying her would help me and I could also help her. I wanted to tell my wife that I wish to remarry, but the time was never appropriate as she was having huge problems with her family. Each time I try to mention the subject, I am unable to progress. So I went ahead with engaging in conversation for the purpose of marriage. After a few discussions, I agreed to marry this sister and agreed to meet her father in a few months. My wife discovered this and is furious. She feels that I betrayed her and was hiding this even though this is not the case. She rejects a second marriage and states Faatimah  as an example since she rejected Ali's  desire to remarry. She says that it will destroy her faith and that hiding it made it worse. I wanted to inform her, but the time was never appropriate, and I did not want to cause her more pain while she was already feeling down. She asked why I rushed and says that I was being selfish. I cannot tell her that I rushed because I have always found her extremely unattractive and have a strong sexual desire, both of which are destroying me mentally and spiritually everyday! She thinks that I do not have a strong sexual desire as my physical contact with her is minimal. In reality, I cannot tell her that my sexual desires are extremely high but that I do not feel attracted to her, nor can I talk to her about porn and so on.

Answer

All perfect praise be to Allah, The Lord of the worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allah and that Muhammad  is His slave and Messenger. 

There is no doubt that it is normal that a wife does not agree that her husband marries a second wife because of the natural predisposition of women to jealousy. It is not surprising as well that she gets angry for that, but she has no right to prevent her husband from marrying a second wife because this is something which Allah Almighty permitted for anyone who is able to be just between his wives.

Allah says (what means): {And if you fear that you will not deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four. But if you fear that you will not be just, then [marry only] one.} [Quran 4:3]

Moreover, a husband is not obliged to seek his wife’s permission in marrying a second wife, nor does he have to inform her about this, but if he informs her, it might be better.

Marrying a second wife may be an obligation sometimes, like in the case that a man cannot keep himself chaste with only one wife and fears to be tempted into committing sin.

Therefore, you should try to convince your wife about this marriage. If she agrees, then praise be to Allah, otherwise, you have the right to get married whether she likes it or not.

It is good that you take her feelings into account and do not mention to her that you are not attracted to her, but you may indirectly point to this, such as by telling her that you like to see her looking at her best (beautified) and the like, then perhaps you would see from her what pleases you and suffices you from a second marriage, which might lead to many problems.

If you have actually started watching pornography, then you must fear Allah and give up on that and hasten to repent. Watching pornography is a great evil that may lead to the wrath of the Lord of the heavens and the Earth. It is not permissible for you to inform anyone about the sins that you committed.

Allah knows best.

-islamweb.net