Repeatedly blaming wife for her past before conversion to Islam

Question

Assalaamualaikum. I married my husband before Islam while I was learning Islam 18 years ago. I was not fully honest about my past. I had been in a relationship before; I was not Muslim during that relationship, and I was not married to my husband yet. I did not know better in Islam as I was not Muslim yet, and my husband actually had intimacy with me before we married even though I did not want to have intimacy until I was married. 

After all this, he decided to marry me. Later on, I ended up converting, but not due to his kindness; rather, it was due to discovering the truth about the beliefs of Islam. When I converted, I never thought that I would give up my life, music, clothing, etc.

But I gave it all up in the first year. I gave up music, quit my job, wore the hijab. I have lived a life as a good Muslimah and faithful wife and even a mother of three kids. After years, my husband was still bringing up my mistakes from before marriage, and of course he could never even admit that he made a mistake in that he fornicated with me before marriage and did not tell me that it was wrong. But as for this ongoing punishment and bringing up the past:

1) What I did before I was muslim and before I knew him

2) what happened when we met before we married (although he cannot even admit that he did something wrong while now as a Muslim I know it was wrong).

After 7 years, I told my husband that it is haram to bring up my pre-Islamic life. Even if he wants to bring up my mistakes, that part of my life cannot be changed, and he made a decision to get married and even decided to stay married before we had kids. And it still keeps coming up. I have no male friends or anything for these 18 years. I do not know how to face it. I never cheated on him during our marriage ever, yet to this day he looks at my past before Islam and brings it up again and again. Is this a reason to get a divorce? I cannot live 20, 30, or 40 more years this way without forgiveness and wish to have a future rather than just a past.

Answer

All perfect praise be to Allah, the Lord of the worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allah and that Muhammad  is His slave and Messenger. 

If your husband blames you for what you did before your conversion to Islam, then he is wrong in doing that.

If you are very harmed by this matter, then you have the right to ask for a divorce or Khul’ (divorce in return for compensation).

However, we advise you not to ask for divorce and to be patient and endeavor to persuade your husband to refrain from this wrong behavior.

You should remind him that Islam [embracing Islam] wipes out previous sins and that a repentant from sin is like the one who has never sinned.

We advise you to seek the help of some righteous relatives and people, or some scholars, to talk to him about this matter so that he would leave it and have good marital relations with you.

Allah knows best.

-islamweb.net