The husband-wife relationship is very delicate and precious at the same time. It is important for both spouses to avoid angering each other.
Have you ever made tea or some other concoction by boiling milk in an open faced pan?
If so, you must know what happens when you leave the pot on high heat. If the milk is left untempered after it reaches boiling point, it spills over the edge of the pan on to the stove, going to waste and causing a mess that needs to be cleaned up with much effort.
Anyone would admit that, in such a scenario, it is advisable not to boil the milk on high heat. If the heat is kept at a minimum or turned off at the right time, a lot of spillage, chagrin and cleanup efforts can be successfully avoided.
Each one of us has a different anger threshold: that point which, when crossed, results in them ‘blowing their lid’, so to speak. When someone is about to lose his/her temper, it is best not to provoke them with “high heat”. Instead, they should be left alone for a while to “cool down”.The same analogy can be applied to tempers of family members at home: be they grandparents, parents, or children.
The Natural vs. Circumstantial Causes of Anger
How quickly someone loses his/her temper and how angry they get depends upon many different factors, such as the individual’s unique genetic makeup, natural personality disposition, and particular real-time life circumstances. At times of illness, financial straitness, school exams, or relocation, family members might get angry at each other more often.
An example of naturally-triggered anger is that of a child in the age-range of 2 to 5 years. At this time, a little child goes through a very rebellious phase that is colloquially termed as “the terrible two’s”. Such children are prone to outbursts, mood swings, temper tantrums and rebellious behavior. Some experts even call this phase the “first teenage”, because when a child enters adolescence, he or she once again goes through such a tumultuous phase, because of the hormonal changes going on inside their body.
| During pregnancy and postnatal bleeding, too, women can be extremely emotional and volatile |
Women regularly experience ‘premenstrual syndrome’ related to the fluctuating hormonal levels in their bodies every month, which causes them to become extra irritable, cranky and moody. During pregnancy and postnatal bleeding, too, women can be extremely emotional and volatile, losing their patience at seemingly trivial matters.
On the same token, men also go through phases of aggression and anger, especially when provoked in a negative manner. Though their anger is dependent less upon natural, bodily causes and more related to life circumstances, men who feel disrespected or undervalued by their colleagues at work or family members at home get angry more often.A problem understood is a problem half solved. Instead of focusing on the “sinful” behavior of an angry person, and instead of just asking them to fear Allah, not get angry, and refrain from outbursts, being empathetic and understanding of their situation cannot just enable other family members to sympathize with them, but also allow them to alter their own behavior towards the angry person. This can lead to successful avoidance of the triggers that cause adverse reactions from an angry family member.
Therefore, if a loved one of ours at home is going through such a naturally-triggered or event-based phase of frustration and anger, it is advisable for us and all of our other family members to avoid doing or saying things that can cause an outburst or angry reaction from that person, even if it is a small child who has been recently ridiculed by bullies at school, or an elderly grandparent who is irritable because of the unrelenting ache in their bones.
Even the Best of Muslims Got Angry
Aisha reported: “Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) said to me:
“I can well discern when you are pleased with me and when you are annoyed with me.”
I said: “How do you discern it?” Thereupon be said:
“When you are pleased with me you say: “No, by the Lord of Muhammad,” and when you are annoyed with me, you say: “No, by the Lord of Ibrahim.””
I said:
“Allah’s Messenger, by Allah, I in fact leave only your name (when I am annoyed with you)”. (Al-Bukhari, 5228)
Prophet Muhammad was the best husband, who never did anything wrong or oppressive towards his wives. Then why would his wife be annoyed or angry with him?
The answer lies in the natural causes of anger, especially in young females of child-bearing age, which I’ve mentioned above. No matter how much she might try, a woman can lose control over her moods or emotions when her body is experiencing hormonal changes. More often than not, the scapegoat of her moodiness is her poor husband.
At such times, it is best for the wise husband to avoid angering his wife as much as possible, so that an aura of peace can be maintained at home.
The example of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) is before us: instead of getting angry or feeling offended at the fact that his wife would swear by Allah by taking the name of Prophet Ibrahim and not his (her husband’s) name, he mentioned this habit of hers in an easygoing, affable and loving manner.
This gives us a poignant lesson in dealing with the behavior of an angry family member: to not add fuel to the fire, and to let bygones be bygones in order to maintain peace and tranquility.
| please grow up and become the mature, easygoing husband that Prophet Muhammad was! |
It also sends a clear message out to those insecure husbands who get jealous if their wives so much as mention another man’s name instead of theirs in their presence: please grow up and become the mature, easygoing husband that Prophet Muhammad was!
Temporarily Avoiding the Angry Spouse
Narrated Sahl ibn Sa`d:
“The most beloved names to `Ali was ‘Abu Turab’, and he used to be pleased when we called him by it, for none named him Abu Turab (for the first time), but the Prophet. Once `Ali got angry with (his wife) Fatima, and went out (of his house) and slept near a wall in the mosque. The Prophet came searching for him, and someone said: “He is there, lying near the wall.”
The Prophet came to him while his (`Ali’s) back was covered with dust. The Prophet started removing the dust from his back, saying:
“Get up, O Abu Turab!” (Al-Bukhari, 6204)
The above hadith makes clear how, even the most pious of Muslim couples, in this case, the Prophet’s own daughter and son-in-law, had phases of disagreement and distancing in their marital relationship, in which one felt angry at the other.
The husband-wife relationship is very delicate and precious at the same time. It is important for both spouses to avoid, as much as possible, angering their other half. Over time, it gets easier to do this as each partner discovers, recognizes and adjusts to the other’s habits, moods, likes and dislikes. After many years pass, each spouse has more or less completely adapted themselves to their other half, in order to successfully avoid friction and fights.
Despite the peace that descends upon a marital home over the years, however, one of the most effective means of ensuring that a husband and wife do not become cold and emotionally distant from each other when one or both of them gets angry, is for the emotionally calmer spouse to temporarily avoid the angry one in conversation and physical proximity, allowing the latter to cool down, introspect and let off steam by themselves.
The actions of Ali ibn Abi Talib in the hadith above endorse this anger management strategy. Because he was angry at his wife, he left his home and came to the mosque to take a nap.
| A change of subject works wonders at dissipating anger! |
The Prophet, far from questioning his actions or reprimanding him, addressed his angry son-in-law jokingly and lovingly instead, which indicates his tacit approval. It also indicates that when and if one member of the household becomes angry and goes away from the one he or she is angry at, another (third) family member can go to them a while later and try to calm them down using mirth and affection. A change of subject works wonders at dissipating anger!Some of the pious predecessors used the same ‘formula’ to maintain peace with their wives:
Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal, after the condolence of his wife, explained to the people regarding their caring relationship and the secret of their strong relation in a very short statement.
After his wife passed away from this world he used to praise her, he said, “By Allah, I lived with her for 30 years and we did not argue (or had an argument) not even once”.
They asked him: “How is this possible, or we can say, what was the secret of your strong relation and bond?”
He replied in a very beautiful manner: “Whenever she used to get upset with me and tried to argue with me, I used to stay quiet, and whenever I used to get upset with her and tried to argue with her, she used to stay quiet.” (Al-Khateeb Al-Baghdadi, Tarikh Baghdad, 16: 626)
So let us now conclude with yet another analogy: try lighting a flame and bringing it into contact with water or dust without letting it go out. No matter how hard you try, pouring water or dust on a flame will extinguish it instantly.
In light of this article, therefore, one of the best ways of extinguishing the anger felt by a close family member, and thus maintaining a peaceful atmosphere at home, is for the loved ones around that person to scrupulously avoid getting “lighted up” by their anger. Instead, their cool and calm refusal to argue or answer them back will result in an instant annihilation of the anger welling up inside them. -onislam.net
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