Reflections: Spiritual Crisis!

Verily! Man is ungrateful to his Lord (Surah Al-Aadiyaat: 6).

Perhaps I have spent all these years in judging and labeling people for who they are not. I deprived myself from the riches and nourishment of Islam and I did not bother clearing my lens. It was shadowed by the burden of my sins; my senses were numb and my heart hardened from the lack of appreciation which was stuck in my nafs.

As I ponder over the 23 years of my life, I realized this Ramadan, that I, due to the weight of my never-ending, soul-sickening sins, was suffering from an intense Iman deficit disorder. Some of the symptoms still linger on today.

Unbelievably, as I reflect, I realize in sheer regret, that I have been an extremely judgmental person for most of my life until Allah SWT, Ar-Rahman The Most Gracious, al-Muhyi, the Giver of Life, Al-Wadud The Loving and Ash-Shakoor The Most Appreciative, showed me light. One of the most needed and the most ignored blessing is the ability to identify things and people, in their true form. The ability to see the piety, goodness and beauty of others’ souls came really late to me, because of my stubbornness, the rigidity of my perspective and the hidden, black ant-like arrogance, which is too hard to diagnose.

I have been my own enemy; I have kept myself far away from such a beautiful, flexible and nourishing deen. This code of conduct which outlines the laws for all fields of life accommodates a human being, like no other. It understands me and you physically, emotionally, mentally, socially and spiritually.

I transgressed and put my natural state at stake; I lost my haya and suffered chronically. One the highlighting indicators of a weak Iman attitude, that I had harbored, was being judgmental. I made illogical, unreasonable conclusions about people with minimal interaction with them and just by observing them from their external. We sometimes assume such false things about people merely based on their words, clothes, outward behavior, accessories and what not. I, a believer, had for long, lost my decency to at least understand the roots and reasons. Due to my transgressions, I had ruined the foundations of my Iman and lost the eye that could understand human beings, the real side of them.

My insides yearn for a revitalizing journey into Islam. I find nifaaq oozing out of my soul, deep inside! Asfala Saafileen, the lowest of the low (95:6, The Noble Quran), scares me. It gives me a reality check again and again. In my books, I had labels for people without even knowing them completely; bad, clever, immodest, mean, rude, shrewd, vulgar. I had given subjective interpretations to these words and I was unable to grasp the self-righteousness, the arrogance that made my soul vulnerable to sin!

Over and above, the lack of knowledge of Quran and Sunnah and the missing conscious efforts to gain it, have their price to pay. My own shortcomings are responsible for my unclear, murky perspective on life. I was dripping in doubts, confusions and materialism.

Alhamdulilah! Praise be to Allah SWT, Who has blessed me infinitely. These very blessing to perceive people, to think positively, to be caring, sensitive, understanding and have a longing to seek knowledge of Quran and Hadith, go unnoticed. We hardly show thankfulness to Allah Azwajjal, Al-Aleem, Al-Hakeem, All-Knowing, All-Wise!

Most of the time people do not deliberately act the way they do. Somewhere, someone is struggling, suffering or recovering from the circumstances Allah SWT has decreed for them. People react, retaliate or displace their conflicting emotions. To escape pain and embarrassment, I have turned to sinful activities many a times in my life. In such processes we label and misunderstand people. A believer is not supposed to have a narrow, suffocating view of life and people around.

Allah SWT, in the Quran, always provides the sinner with a beacon of hope, reward and the opportunity to repent till the last breath. May Allah SWT, guide and heal all the dead hearts from darkness, into light.

Ya Allah! Your Mercy surpasses your Wrath! Oh Turner of Hearts, turn our hearts towards Your obedience.

Oh Allah! We have wronged ourselves. If You forgive us not, and bestow not upon us Your Mercy, we shall certainly be of the losers (Surah Al-A’raf: 23).

 -empoweringbodymindandsoul.wordpress.com