Once, I was speaking to an elderly lady over the phone.
She loved talking and was going on about something or other when suddenly there was an interruption.
She was scolding someone, and quite rudely. Then she turned her attention back to me and said,
“It’s my husband. He just made the bed, and guess what? One side of the bedsheet is longer than the other.”
Can you imagine? I just don’t know what to do with this man. He will never learn.
I didn’t know what to say. She obviously thought it was normal behavior to treat her husband like a naughty toddler.
I witnessed the woman treating her husband like that several more times.
It seemed to be something she’d been doing for a long time, a regular practice on her part. And he, dear soul, didn’t retort.
But it definitely had an effect on him. It has crushed his personality.
He will never learn how to make his bed perfectly. You know why?
Because it isn’t important to him. He’s a sports teacher and has much more important things he’d like to learn to perfection rather than making his bed. The question is, will she never learn this?
How do we treat our husbands? Oftentimes, the wife isn’t the best person to answer this question.
Like the elderly wife, many of us don’t realize when we are behaving rudely. Sometimes we aren’t clear about what constitutes rudeness.
If you want an honest answer to the question, the best person to ask is the husband himself.
Nagging Kills Your Marriage
Nagging is one of the most common ways that women sour their marriages.
Sometimes the wife doesn’t even realize that it’s the nagging that killed her marriage.
At other times, she does realize it’s a problem, but still can’t control it because it’s become a compulsion.
Why do we nag? What makes a wife repeatedly badger her husband? Let’s look at a hypothetical situation to find out.
Suppose a wife tells her husband to mend a leaky faucet. He forgets, and she reminds him the next day. He forgets again.
This time when she reminds him, there’s a slight tone of annoyance in her voice.
He notices it and is determined to fix it tomorrow. But he’s a busy man.
He stayed late in the office that day. He decides to fix the pesky faucet on the weekend. He remains busy all week.
He’s exhausted and sleeps it off during the weekend. The faucet completely leaks out of his mind.
A week passes and the faucet remains as leaky as before. Now she gets exasperated. “How many times can a person forget?”
Enter Shaytan: “Do you know why your husband keeps forgetting? Because he doesn’t think you’re important. Because he doesn’t love you. He thinks you’re worthless. Which means that you are worthless.”
Now it’s not a matter of loss of water anymore. It’s a matter of loss of self-worth.
She wants to prove her self-worth, and so she wants her husband to fix the faucet asap.
She keeps reminding him of it. She calls him at his office and reminds him of it. “If you don’t fix the faucet tonight….”
Still, he goes home exhausted after work and doesn’t remember anything except dinner.
“See, he doesn’t respect you.”
“If he doesn’t respect me, why should I respect him?“
Respect goes out of the equation. Now her nagging levels are up. She wants her respect back by any means necessary.
She resorts to sarcasm. “Someone’s brain is leakier than the faucet.”
The husband notices the change in her attitude. He retorts by changing his. And it’s a downward spiral of anger, bitterness, and destruction.
Iblis places his throne upon water. He then sends detachments (for creating dissension); the nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious in creating dissension. One of them comes and says: “I did so and so.” And he says: “You have done nothing.” Then one amongst them comes and says: “I did not spare so and so until I sowed the seed of discord between a husband and a wife.” The Satan goes near him and says: “You have done well.” -The Prophet Mohammed, reported by Jabir (Muslim)
This is just an example of how Shaytan operates. He customizes his strategies according to the individual weaknesses of a person.
If someone already suffers from low self-esteem, he’ll use this weakness as a weapon.
For someone whose problem is perfectionism, he’ll bring her husband’s imperfections into the spotlight for her.
How to Stop Nagging
1 – Seek protection in Allah from Shaytan. This will help dispel your anger and clear your mind.
2 – Think. Allah asks us repeatedly in the Quran to do just that – think. Why? Because that’s what makes us different from animals.
That’s what protects us from Shaytan’s whispers – clear thinking. And that’s what Shaytan doesn’t want us to do.
So stop a moment and try to think about the situation objectively. Is your behavior toward your husband really what he deserves? Or are you acting on Shaytan’s advice?
3 – Cultivate thankfulness towards your husband. He’s a human being, and he’s not perfect.
Neither are you. Can you overlook his shortcomings and focus on the good he brings into your life?
4 – Remove the object of your nagging. Can the leaky faucet be fixed by someone else? Can you call in a plumber? Can you buy a new faucet and fix it yourself?
5 – If all else fails, ask yourself– Can I live with this? Is this issue more important to me than peace in my marriage?
6 – Take care of yourself. Nourish your body and soul. Nurture your own self-esteem and self-confidence.
When you have a healthy mind, body, and soul, you won’t need others, even your husband, to be your source of respect and confidence. Allah will be enough for you.
But What About Men?
Do men nag? Men are the leaders of the household, and as such, theoretically at least, they don’t usually nag.
After making a request once or twice, they usually resort to some other means of getting their way or expressing their anger rather than nagging, such as the silent treatment, making derogatory judgments, or emotional withdrawal.
Nonetheless, nagging husbands do exist, and the above points will perhaps equally apply to them.
However, I believe that among the main bad habits that wives typically accuse their husbands of, nagging is perhaps not one of them.
***
- aboutislam.net
No comments:
Post a Comment