Infidelity in Marriage: Part 1
Ibrahim was using the computer more often, especially during the evening when people were asleep. Asiyah felt disappointed that she kept going to sleep alone. Her husband seemed emotionally withdrawn, but she kept telling herself he must be busy with work.
Ibrahim began keeping his phone close to him while keeping the screen away from prying eyes. Asiyah decided to bake Ibrahim his favorite cookies as a surprise. Bringing it to him in his office with some coffee, she was smiling and felt hopeful he would be happy.
Opening the door, she saw him on his headphones talking to someone on the computer. He didn’t notice her enter. Asiyah didn’t want to startle him during his conversation. She quietly set his surprise down behind him and moved to tap him gently on his shoulder.
As she got closer to him her eyes widened and filled with tears, on the screen in front of her were indecent pictures of a woman and a chat window filled with flirtations. She ran out of the office, her heart racing as it broke and she sobbed loudly.
A Too Common Story…In this age of technology, so much is just a click away. We can study for a degree online, learn recipes from foreign cultures and connect with family across the ocean in different countries. This is a blessing, but it also means temptation is just a click away.
Now more than ever, it is too easy to betray your spouse and commit emotional, online infidelity. Some websites even specialize in pairing up married people with others that want to cheat on their spouse.
A sister can be clothed in a beautiful niqab, but if she is online flirting with men other than her husband, she lacks modesty.
A brother might display piety with his long beard and perfect recitation, but if he is sending messages to women other than his wife complimenting how beautiful their eyes are then he is falling into zina.
The internet is a test of our integrity, doing the right thing even when we think no one is watching. Of course we know that we are never truly alone and every deed we perform, good or bad, is being recorded by the angels next to us.
Is an Online Relationship Zina?
Some people will argue that it is not zina because they are not touching, as if this is somehow morally acceptable or the lesser of two evils. Firstly, it is shameful for anyone no matter what religion they are, to try and justify betraying your spouse. The fact that some people claim this shows we have to discuss it.
In accordance with Shariah, zina can be committed by the eyes, ears, tongue, hands and feet. It is not limited to sexual intercourse. Even staring at someone of the opposite gender is a form of zina by the eyes, hence Quran commands men to lower their gaze as part of their modesty.
The adultery of the eye is the lustful look and the adultery of the ears is listening to voluptuous (song or talk) and the adultery of the tongue is licentious speech and the adultery of the hand is the lustful grip (embrace) and the adultery of the feet is to walk (to the place) where he intends to commit adultery and the heart yearns and desires which he may or may not put into effect.”
[Muslim]
This does not mean that committing online zina is in the same league as having sexual intercourse. It is a stepping stone towards that grave sin and it is absolutely haram without exception. Especially if we consider the statistic that 40% of online affairs result in meeting up in person.
And do not approach unlawful sexual intercourse. Indeed, it is ever an immorality and is evil as a way”
[Quran 17:32]
Impact of Online Affairs on Family
An online affair destroys trust in a relationship. Every time that person smiles at their phone or takes an extra moment to read an email, the other person will wonder. It is not unusual for the person cheated on to question how many affairs they don’t know about. And what other types of betrayal are happening?
All it takes is one affair to break years’ worth of trust and it may never be regained.
Healing from an online affair requires communication. But once trust has been damaged those two people may never communicate effectively again. A marriage without trust and communication is doomed.
Online affairs also cause feelings of anxiety and thoughts like “I am not pretty enough to keep his attention” or “I must not be good enough as a husband”. It can bring down that person’s self-esteem as if they start to internalize blame for the sins committed by their spouse.
We know from Quran that a soul does not bear the burdens and sin of another soul, but that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt them so deeply that they begin to wonder if they could have prevented it.
Anger is often an accompaniment to sadness; it is one of the stages of grief. The spouse might begin to lash out and say horrible things to the person that cheated on them. They might even seek some type of revenge. This creates a back and forth cycle of pain that harms both spouses.
Online Affairs Hurt Children
Children will be hurt. If nothing else stops someone from cheating on their spouse, the fact it will hurt their own children and potentially damage their child’s marriage in the future should cause someone to think twice.
When a marriage is struggling, the children are always hurt no matter how hard we try to protect them. They will feel sadness, they will feel confusion and they may very well feel anger at their parents.
If you are a father or a mother, always remember your children will emulate your own example no matter if you tell them not to. If you cheat on your spouse, your children may grow up to be adulterers or allow their spouse to betray them, and you cannot ignore your hand in that.
Imagine if a little girl knows that her dad keeps betraying mom and mom takes it. That is the example of a husband and wife she grows up with. In such scenarios, the girl would be at a higher risk of marrying a husband that will also hurt her because that is the example her parents set.
Infidelity in Marriage: Part 2
Is It Okay to Spy on Your Spouse Online?
Perhaps you suspect infidelity by your spouse, is it okay for you to login to their email and social media?
If you are at that point where you feel as though you have to break into their private accounts, then you already stopped trusting them and are not communicating.
Some of you might say yes it is justified, but in truth Islam does not permit us to spy on one another.
Consider for a moment the shame you will feel if you realize they did nothing wrong and now you have to explain to them how you went behind their back to spy.
It is a better choice to speak honestly and openly with them about your feelings or contact a therapist. In a truly trusting relationship, both partners know the passwords of the other and feel no need to use them.
“O you who have believed, avoid much [negative] assumption. Indeed, some assumption is sin. And do not spy or backbite each other. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his brother when dead? You would detest it. And fear Allah ; indeed, Allah is Accepting of repentance and Merciful.”[Quran 49:12]
How to Heal Your Marriage after Cheating
If you have already been cheated on or perhaps you were the cheater, it is possible to heal your marriage and move forward. I won’t sugarcoat this; it will be very difficult and require effort from both sides. Betrayal can stay within someone’s heart for years, for some they can never let it go.
1. Stop the affair completely
That other person must become metaphorically dead to you. If it happened on social media, delete your accounts associated with them.
Blocking them is not enough, you can easily unblock them in a moment of weakness and you have already shown that you lack self-control online. What is more important to you, sharing Facebook videos or saving your marriage?
2. Accept responsibility
Take accountability of your actions and genuinely apologize without blaming anyone else for your own choices. We have free will, it was a choice to have an affair and healing requires accountability.
3. Communicate honestly
This one can get very emotional and raw. Questions might be asked that cause an explosion of painful emotions, but it has to come out and both sides need to be completely honest. If you cannot become honest, nothing will heal.
4. Don’t force forgiveness
This is not a time to start quoting ayas about mercy and expecting your spouse to instantly forgive you. Put yourself in their shoes, would you be able to easily forgive this type of betrayal? It will take time, a lot of time.
Trying to rush this healing process will only slow it down. If you were the one betrayed, do not think that just because you are sitting down to talk it out means you are required to forgive them or put on a timeframe.
5. Discuss why it happened
The affair is not the fault of the one who was betrayed, but in order to move forward both sides need to understand why this occurred in the first place.
Was one of the spouses feeling neglected and unloved because the other never talked to them and they went elsewhere for validation? Was one of the spouses feeling unloved because they were always being rejected sexually?
These situations do not excuse their actions, but if you seek to understand the other person’s perspective it will help you move forward in healing and prevent future heartbreak.
6. Seek out an Islamic marriage counselor
Although it is possible to do this on your own, it will greatly help if you can bring a therapist into this.
You can find a wealth of marriage counselors online and in person, but I strongly recommend you find someone that comes from a background of Islamic Psychology not just secular psychology.
You may have noticed communication seems to come up more than once in that list. As mentioned above, a marriage requires trust and communication. These are basic building blocks to any relationship.
In order to rebuild your trust, it will require honest and consistent communication. Perhaps if you two had communicated honestly in the beginning, this never would have happened.
Final Thoughts
It’s a reality that online world has opened up a lot of temptations which are easy to access. If you suspect infidelity or something wrong with your spouse, communicate with them and let them know how you feel.
Although it is a challenge to heal and rebuild a marriage after cheating, but it is not impossible. Such mistakes change marriages, they might never go back to how they were, but with real work, forgiveness and patience they can become stronger.
Couples can develop a more mature bond if they truly work on repairing and rebuilding their marriage.
First published: October 2018
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