Solution for a marriage that is marked by disputes and physical abuse

Question

Assalaamualaikum wa rahmatullaahi wa barakaatuhu. I have several questions about my extremely complicated situation. I and my husband have been married for some time now, and we have children. During our marriage, we have faced many challenges. There is very little of our marriage that can be categorized as happy. Fights and physical abuse are a great part of our life. I admit that I am the cause for many, but not all, of them. He is very aggressive, and not just with me. This includes beating both me and the children. After years of patience, I can no longer deal with it anymore. I am afraid for my children, my life, and my religion. Where we live, they are very strict about child abuse, and I am afraid that one of our children will eventually tell someone about what is going on in our home. I know that if this happens I will lose them; they will take our children, and what usually happens here is that they put them in a home for children for a while and then eventually given them away for adoption, whichm most probably means that they get split up and escorted to different families. After the last episode, in which he started to beat me in front of others, I have asked for a Khul' (divorce requested by the wife in which she returns the bridal gift), but he refuses. He promises that he will change, but this is not his first promise, and I just cannot believe him anymore. I am tired and cannot get myself to try anymore. He gives me reasons each time, saying that he is possessed by jinn, and it may be true, but he never does anything to solve this issue. I have lost hope in our marriage. I used to tell my self: Stay for the sake of Allah and the kids, but I cannot do it anymore. Now when he talks to me, it does not get into me; I just feel like running and never looking back. Please advise me. What can I do? Will I ever be free and divorced from him if he does not accept my request? And please remember my children in your supplications. May Allah lead our new generations to the Straight Path. Ameen! May Allah bless you.

Answer

All perfect praise be to Allah, The Lord of the worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allah and that Muhammad  is His slave and Messenger.

Among the most important objectives of Islam in legislating marriage is that it should be a comfort and tranquility for both spouses and a way for the stability of the family in order to achieve the objectives of its existence (that should consist) of strong social relations and strong family bonds; Allah says (what means): {And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.} [Quran 30:21] It is for all these reasons that the Sharia admonished each spouse to have good marital relations with the other.

What happened between you, like disputes and physical abuse, contradicts the divine guidelines. 

Divorce may not always be the right solution. We recommend that you first supplicate Allah a lot for your husband, hoping that Allah will rectify him. 

Besides, if there is a need for the interference of righteous people from your family and his, then you should seek their help in this regard as they may reconcile between you; Allah says (what means): {And if a woman fears from her husband contempt or evasion, there is no sin upon them if they make terms of settlement between them - and settlement is best. And present in [human] souls is stinginess. But if you do good and fear Allah - then indeed Allah is ever, with what you do, Acquainted.} [Quran 4:128] 

Then, if your husband’s condition improves, this is what is required; otherwise, you have the right to ask him for a divorce. However, you should not resort to it unless you consult rational people and perform the Istikhaarah prayer in this regard. Afterwards, if it becomes clear to you that divorce is the best solution, then you may ask him for a divorce, and Allah will take care of the children. 

We ask Allah to bless your children and nurture them well and make them a comfort to your eyes in this world and in the Hereafter and gather you with them in the Gardens of Bliss in Paradise. 

Allah knows best. 

-islamweb.net