Question
I was married to one wife and had three children with her. Then I married a second wife who was a divorcee. However, my first wife has been, and remains, opposed to this marriage and is insisting that I divorce my second wife, even though I now have a child from her. What should I do?
Answer
Marrying a second wife is something that is recognized by Islamic Law, as long as the man is able to conduct himself in that marriage according to what Islamic Law demands of him – of upholding strict justice between his wives. He must endeavor to the best of his ability to be just.
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “ Whoever has two wives and treated one of them better than the other will come in the Hereafter with his body twisted to one side” [Musnad Ahmad,Sunan Abî Dâwûd, and Sunan al-Nasa’î]
We can be sure that being just is a means of minimizing the difficulties of a polygamous marriage, especially with respect to the first wife’s feelings.
Indeed, you need to appreciate your first wife’s feelings. She is naturally going to suffer from jealousy against the woman who has come into a marital relationship with her husband.
Even the wives of the Prophet (peace be upon him) suffered in this way. Once, one of the Prophet’s wives sent him a platter of food while he was at `A’ishah’s house. `ِA’ishah knocked the platter out of the hand of the servant who brought it, causing the platter to break in half.
The Prophet (peace be upon him) was calm and exercised wisdom in how he handled the situation. He put the two halves back together and collected the food back into it, then said: “Your mother (referring to `A’ishah as one of the Mothers of the Believers) is feeling jealous.” He then sent one of `A’ishah’s platters along with the servant to take to the other wife as a replacement. [Sahîh al-Bukhârî (4824)]
I warn you sternly against betraying any preference for your second wife over your first. Do not praise your second wife in your first wife’s presence. Do not threat your first wife or her children baldly in any way. Instead, take greater care to honor their rights.
Take care never to reduce anything of what you give to your first wife because of your second wife. Speak lovingly to her. Let her know that she is still your first love. Let her feel that you are more comfortable when you are with her. Tell her this. Such words will soothe her feelings.
You never need to mention your second wife at all in your first wife’s presence. Try not to talk about her even with your children. Be sensitive to your wife’s feelings and do not provoke her jealousy.
You should show the same sensitivity to your second wife’s feelings when you are with her.
As for divorcing your second wife due to your first wife’s anger, this is not right, especially if your second wife has done nothing wrong. What sin did she commit? Should she, along with her child, be punished as a victim of your rushing into marrying her without giving your situation sufficient thought, or because you find yourself incapable of coping with the feelings that women inevitably experience as a consequence of your decision to enter into a polygamous marriage?
You need to do what you must to reconcile your two wives. At the very least, you should make it so each of your wives can comfortably live her own life, focusing on her own household and children. You better treat them both justly. Generally, these problems are worse at the beginning of the marriage. After a few years, things usually calm down.
You need to beseech your Lord in supplication, to make you stronger than these problems. You need to exercise patience. You have to be kind, gentle, and open-hearted throughout these difficulties. Problems like these are common, and many people face them.
We would remind your first wife of the Prophet’s words: “A woman should not ask for her sister to be divorced so she can have him to herself.” [Sahîh Muslim]
We would finally recommend that you go to those who are specialized in these matters so you can learn how to manage your family life successfully and overcome your difficulties. This would be best for all of your family.
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “ Whoever has two wives and treated one of them better than the other will come in the Hereafter with his body twisted to one side” [Musnad Ahmad,Sunan Abî Dâwûd, and Sunan al-Nasa’î]
We can be sure that being just is a means of minimizing the difficulties of a polygamous marriage, especially with respect to the first wife’s feelings.
Indeed, you need to appreciate your first wife’s feelings. She is naturally going to suffer from jealousy against the woman who has come into a marital relationship with her husband.
Even the wives of the Prophet (peace be upon him) suffered in this way. Once, one of the Prophet’s wives sent him a platter of food while he was at `A’ishah’s house. `ِA’ishah knocked the platter out of the hand of the servant who brought it, causing the platter to break in half.
The Prophet (peace be upon him) was calm and exercised wisdom in how he handled the situation. He put the two halves back together and collected the food back into it, then said: “Your mother (referring to `A’ishah as one of the Mothers of the Believers) is feeling jealous.” He then sent one of `A’ishah’s platters along with the servant to take to the other wife as a replacement. [Sahîh al-Bukhârî (4824)]
I warn you sternly against betraying any preference for your second wife over your first. Do not praise your second wife in your first wife’s presence. Do not threat your first wife or her children baldly in any way. Instead, take greater care to honor their rights.
Take care never to reduce anything of what you give to your first wife because of your second wife. Speak lovingly to her. Let her know that she is still your first love. Let her feel that you are more comfortable when you are with her. Tell her this. Such words will soothe her feelings.
You never need to mention your second wife at all in your first wife’s presence. Try not to talk about her even with your children. Be sensitive to your wife’s feelings and do not provoke her jealousy.
You should show the same sensitivity to your second wife’s feelings when you are with her.
As for divorcing your second wife due to your first wife’s anger, this is not right, especially if your second wife has done nothing wrong. What sin did she commit? Should she, along with her child, be punished as a victim of your rushing into marrying her without giving your situation sufficient thought, or because you find yourself incapable of coping with the feelings that women inevitably experience as a consequence of your decision to enter into a polygamous marriage?
You need to do what you must to reconcile your two wives. At the very least, you should make it so each of your wives can comfortably live her own life, focusing on her own household and children. You better treat them both justly. Generally, these problems are worse at the beginning of the marriage. After a few years, things usually calm down.
You need to beseech your Lord in supplication, to make you stronger than these problems. You need to exercise patience. You have to be kind, gentle, and open-hearted throughout these difficulties. Problems like these are common, and many people face them.
We would remind your first wife of the Prophet’s words: “A woman should not ask for her sister to be divorced so she can have him to herself.” [Sahîh Muslim]
We would finally recommend that you go to those who are specialized in these matters so you can learn how to manage your family life successfully and overcome your difficulties. This would be best for all of your family.
And Allah knows best.
-islamtoday.net
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