Preparing for the reality of trial and strife is of utmost importance in Islam. The ideal strategy is that when times are good, we are fortifying our walls by remembering God, making duaa, being thankful for what we have, and detaching ourselves from the dunya (worldly life).
If we have worked on purifying our hearts during ease, then when hardship hits, it will extract from the good and pure in our spiritual cups. We would have practiced gratefulness so we will know how to be grateful during loss.
We would have made regular duaa in good times, so our duaa during desperation feels even more meaningful.
{Alif, Lam, Meem. Do the people think that they will be left to say, “We believe” and they will not be tried?} (Al-Ankabut 29:1-2)
For many, these verses of the Quran have been a reflection of the past few years. People have suffered job loss, food insecurity, intense anxiety, and not being able to see family. Some have lost their health and others lost their loved ones.
Unfortunately, many of us got caught up in life. We didn’t make the time to spend with Allah. So now that our hearts are broken, we’re forced to find Allah in the unfamiliar. So to make it a bit easier, we will revisit the sunnah of heartbreak: how do we cope when we feel at loss?
When revelation stopped: Coping with vulnerability
Loss and heartbreak is a very vulnerable experience. Many of us will naturally wonder what we did that contributed to this loss. We may play the game of “what if” even if our actions had nothing to do with our loss.
At the very beginning of prophethood, Allah halted revelation to the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). This loss was distressing to the Prophet. He wondered if he had done anything that led to the withholding of Allah’s words. The exact amount of time in which the Quran was halted is debated but the Prophet was even mocked by the people of Quraish who would say “has your Lord abandoned you?”.
When revelation resumed, Allah began by sending Surat Ad-Duah.
{By the morning brightness. And [by] the night when it covers with darkness, Your Lord has not taken leave of you, [O Muhammad], nor has He detested [you].} (Ad-Dhuha 93:1-3]
The relief this short chapter brings is not just meant for the Prophet (peace be upon him). It belongs to us, too. To cope with our own vulnerability and, we have to remind ourselves of the favors Allah gave us. Allah explains in surat Qaf:
{We have already created man and know what his soul whispers to him, and We are closer to him than [his] jugular vein.} (Qaf 50:16)
The person who is close to Allah can recover from all heartbreak.
Responding to grief: it’s okay to cry
Sometimes during grief, there’s a notion that you shouldn’t express your sadness. People will tell you “be patient” as if it means to swallow your pain and go about your life. But if we don’t teach Muslims how to healthily cope with grief, they will suppress their emotions. These emotions will fester and resurface causing spiritual, mental, and physical harm! The sunnah demonstrates how to validate grief in the best way.
When the Prophet’s son Ibrahim died after birth, the Companions were shocked to see the Prophet cry. The Prophet reminded them that tears are from mercy. This was an essential step to teaching Muslims how to ride the waves of emotion. He then said, “The eyes are shedding tears and the heart is grieved, and we will not say except what pleases our Rubb. O Ibrahim! Indeed we are grieved by your departure.” (Al-Bukhari)
All grief specialists will tell you the same thing after heartbreak and loss. You have to let yourself feel and acknowledge the emotions. I heard a counselor once say “grief is like a tunnel. You have to go through it or you’ll never get to the other side.”
Express what you are feeling! It doesn’t mean you don’t accept Allah’s will or that you are angry at Him. It means that you recognize you’re human and all humans hurt when their heart breaks. And Allah is the mender of these broken hearts.
Prophet Yaqub’s loss
A common feeling when you’re struggling is that nobody can truly understand what you’re going through. This is true. The unique constellation of your experiences, emotions, and environment makes it hard for any person to understand exactly what’s happening to you.
Prophet Yaqoob (Jacob, peace be upon him) wasn’t understood by his own children after losing his son, Yusuf. His response was one befitting of a true believer. He said:
{He said, “I only complain of my suffering and my grief to Allah, and I know from Allah that which you do not know.} (Yusuf 12: 86)
If you ever feel isolated in your heartbreak, then complain of your suffering and grief to Allah. Consider it a spiritual therapy session.
Umm Salamah and the ultimate duaa
Umar ibn Abu Salamah narrated from his mother, Umm Salamah, that the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said: “When a calamity strikes one of you, then let him say: ‘Indeed, to Allah we belong and to Him we shall return. O Allah, I seek reward with You for my affliction, so reward me for it, and replace it for me with something better (Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji`ūn, Allahumma `indaka ahtasibu musibati fa’jurni fiha wa abdilni minha khair).’”
When the time of death was near Abu Salamah, he said: ‘O Allah, replace me for my wife, with better than me.”
So when he died, Umm Salamah said: “Indeed, to Allah we belong and to Him we shall return. I seek reward with Allah for my affliction, so reward me for it.” (ِAt-Tirmidhi)
Sometimes, we can’t imagine anything better than what we had that we now lost. Allah lifts that burden by imagining it for us. So when finding those perfect words is hard, we can go back to Umm Salamah’s duaa asking for reward and recompense.
In the Quran, Allah describes one of the rewards of Jannah being that there is no fear or grief. Until we can get there, we have the tools to navigate the hardships of the dunya!
- aboutislam.net
