In his well-known book, Al-Hikam (Words of Wisdom), sheikh Ahmad Ibn `Ataa’illah As-Sakandari says:
When people praise you for what they assume about you, blame yourself for what you certainly know about yourself. The most ignorant is the one who denies what he really knows about himself and believes what others assume about him.
While journeying to Allah Almighty we will be put to many tests. One of those tests pertains to people’s praise for what they assume about us. This word of wisdom answers the following question: How does one deal with people’s praise?
A dangerous trap
People’s praise is a serious danger. A man praised another greatly before the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him). The Prophet said, “Woe on you! You have cut the neck of your friend“. The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), repeated this sentence many times and said:
“If you have to praise someone, then he should say,
‘I think that he is so-and-so’, if he really thinks that he is such. Allah is the One Who will take his accounts as He knows his reality and no one can confirm that anybody is already commended by Allah.” (Al-Bukhari)
In another tradition, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said:
“When you see those who shower praise upon others, throw dust upon their faces.” (Muslim)
People’s praise may change one’s intentions from pleasing Allah to pleasing people, earning their praise or avoiding their criticism. It also discourages one to do more good deeds if he really believes that he is perfect and has done great actions.
A barrier to self-criticism
Another negative aspect of praise is that it makes one overlook his flaws and, instead, look at his merits.
In this word of wisdom, the Sheikh says:
“When people praise you for what they assume about you, blame yourself for what you certainly know about yourself”.
People praise me based on assumptions about me and what they know from the outlook they see. But I know myself and my flaws better than others.
Remember that the Sheikh had said:
“Trying to discover the flaws within you is better than trying to discover the worlds hidden from you”.
Now that you know many of your flaws, and if you are highly praised by people, you should turn to yourself and blame it for the flaws you know. This will make you pray to Allah to forgive your sins and fix your flaws.
This reminds me again of Imam Ali’s great speech on the pious ones (may Allah be pleased be with him). He described the Companions (may Allah be pleased with them) in that famous sermon as follows:
“If someone praises one of them, he says, “I know myself better than others, and my Lord is more knowledgeable of me than myself. O Allah, don’t take me to task for what they say, and make me better than what they think of me, and forgive me for those sins which they are unaware of”.
According to Imam Ali’s description, when someone praised one of the Prophet’s Companions, he responded to him saying: “I know myself better than others [know me]”. This is the same meaning given by Ibn `Ataa here.
The Companion added: “And my Lord is more knowledgeable of me than myself”, i.e. Allah is more knowledgeable of my flaws, sins, and mistakes than myself.
Finally, the Companion ends his response by praying to Allah: “Make me better than what they think of me.” They think good of me, so make me better than this. “O Allah, forgive me for those sins which they are unaware of”.
Sometimes people’s praise takes away the reward promised by Allah for a certain good deed. Because this praise is actually the reward that one was seeking, as his intention was not to please Allah, but to please people. This is hypocrisy, by definition.
The Sheikh says: “If the believer is praised, he should feel ashamed of Allah that people praise him for things which are not in him. The most ignorant is the one who denies what he really knows about himself and believes what others assume about him.”
Should I leave what I know for sure about myself and believe what people assume about me?
A positive attitude
In some other cases, people’s praise is glad tidings for the believer. Abu Dharr (may Allah be pleased him) reported: It was said to Allah’s Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him): What is your opinion about the person who has done good deeds and the people praise him? The Prophet said:
“It is the immediate glad tidings for a believer”. (Muslim)
The Quran mentions the same meaning:
{For them there is the glad tiding [of happiness] in the life of this world and in the life to come}. (Yunus 10: 64)
Therefore, a believer should thank Allah for the difference that people thought he/she made in their lives. Yet, he/she should not forget their own flaws.
What are the qualities of a true believer in light of the Quran?
You asked about a major issue indeed!
Many people think they’re believers, but don’t care to check whether the description of true believers according to Allah apply to them or not.
Also some of us say: “our belief is only in our hearts.” Whereas, Allah Himself said that believers have inward and outward qualities that must be manifested.
So, let’s take a look at some of the qualities of true believers as per the Quran.
Growing Faith, Regular Prayers & Charity
Allah says:
“The believers are only those who, when Allah is mentioned, their hearts become fearful, and when His verses are recited to them, it increases them in faith; and upon their Lord they rely –
The ones who establish prayer, and from what We have provided them, they spend.
Those are the believers, truly. For them are degrees [of high position] with their Lord and forgiveness and noble provision.” (Quran 8: 2-4)
This means they:
Fear Allah, continue seeking what pleases Him; and remembering Him increases them in faith and awe.
They rely upon Him true reliance.
They’re committed to their 5 daily prayers
They spend regularly from whatever Allah has blessed them with.
They Don’t Doubt, & Strive Earnestly in the Cause of Allah
Allah says:
“The believers are only the ones who have believed in Allah and His Messenger and then doubt not but strive with their properties and their lives in the cause of Allah. It is those who are the truthful.” (Quran 49:15)
This means they:
Don’t indulge in doubts or reasons and environments that make them doubt their religion.
They have unwavering faith in Allah and His Messenger. They don’t hesitate about true pure monotheism.
They follow this true faith with striving in the cause of Allah with everything precious to them; their time, energy, money, talents…etc. They know that this faith and the eternal rewards are worth every effort and that if we present to Allah everything upon earth, it won’t measure up to the blessing of guidance or the eternal unlimited rewards He will grant believers.
Obeying the Prophet & following His judgment
Allah says:
“But no, by your Lord, they will not [truly] believe until they make you, [O Muhammad], judge concerning that over which they dispute among themselves and then find within themselves no discomfort from what you have judged and submit in [full, willing] submission.” (Qur’an 4: 65)
This means:
Those who say we only believe in the Quran but not Muhammad or the Sunnah, have negated their faith!
Obeying the Messenger is as urgent as obeying Allah Himself. Allah made consulting the judgment of the Prophet a condition for true faith.
It is necessary to study the Seerah of the Prophet and to follow His blessed Sunnah eagerly, and to go back to the Book and Sunnah in matters that we have questions about. Whatever Allah and His Messenger say will be the best judgment for true believers.
Passing Trials with Faith
“Do the people think that they will be left to say, “We believe” and they will not be tried?
But We have certainly tried those before them, and Allah will surely make evident those who are truthful, and He will surely make evident the liars.” (Qur’an 29: 2-3)
This means they:
Know that this life is a test and everyone will be tested.
Tests don’t make them lose their faith.
They’re steadfast during hard times.
Following the 6 Acts of the Inheritors of Highest Paradise
Allah says in the Surat Al Mu’minoon (Chapter 23):
“( 1 ) Certainly will the believers have succeeded:
( 2 ) They who are during their prayer humbly submissive
( 3 ) And they who turn away from ill speech
( 4 ) And they who are observant of zakah
( 5 ) And they who guard their private parts
( 6 ) Except from their wives or those their right hands possess, for indeed, they will not be blamed –
( 7 ) But whoever seeks beyond that, then those are the transgressors –
( 8 ) And they who are to their trusts and their promises attentive
( 9 ) And they who carefully maintain their prayers –
( 10 ) Those are the inheritors
( 11 ) Who will inherit al-Firdaus. They will abide therein eternally.”
The closeness of Allah Most High, The King, is not cheap.
If you want to earn a prestigious degree or high position, you put rigorous effort. We do that for a temporary world that will end. What about the eternal world that never ends and has WHATEVER you please with no effort, sadness, pain or sorrow forever?
Know that the succeeding is not due to our own strength or personal superiority. It is due to seeking Allah’s Help. No one can proceed on this path without Allah’s help.
Allah taught us in Surat Al Fatiha that we say in prayer 17 times a day: “It is You alone we worship, and You alone we ask for help.”
So we will not succeed without Allah’s help.
This is to tell everyone that the path is very easy if you seek Allah’s Help. He will facilitate whatever you think is difficult or impossible.
All you have to do is be sincere and seek Him, and He will facilitate everything for you.
“Indeed, your efforts are diverse.
As for he who gives and fears Allah
And believes in the best [reward],
We will ease him toward ease.
But as for he who withholds and considers himself free of need
And denies the best [reward],
We will ease him toward difficulty.” (Quran 92: 4-10)
The deep sea region is the lowest layer in the ocean, with little or no light penetrating it.
Despite the lack of light, life is abundant in the deep ocean.
The Qur’an describes the state of a disbeliever as being like the darkness in a vast deep sea.
“We will show them Our signs in the horizons and within themselves until it becomes clear to them it is the Truth. Is it not enough that your Lord is a Witness over all things?” [Quran 41: 53]
Just how deep does the ocean go? Way further than you think. In fact, Oceanography informs us that at the extreme depths of the ocean on Planet Earth there is no light.
The deep sea region is the lowest layer in the ocean. It exists below the Thermocline and above the seabed, at a depth of 1,800 m or more. Little or no light penetrates this part of the ocean.
Furthermore, most of the organisms that live there rely for subsistence on falling organic matter produced in the Photic Zone.
For this reason, scientists once assumed that life would be sparse in the deep ocean. But virtually every probe has revealed that, on the contrary, life is abundant in the deep ocean. Glory be to Allah the Almighty.
{Or [the state of a disbeliever] is like the darkness in a vast deep sea, overwhelmed with waves topped by waves, topped by dark clouds, (layers of) darkness upon darkness: if a man stretches out his hand, he can hardly see it! And he for whom Allah has not appointed light for him there is no light.} [Surat An-Nur 24:40].
This amazing video (above) puts the actual distance of Earth’s ocean into perspective. It shows the vast distance between the waves we see and the mysterious point we call Challenger Deep. Enjoy.
By this partnership, she has an equal share in every aspect. She is entitled to equal rights, she undertakes equal responsibilities, and she has as many qualities and as much humanity as her partner.
Allah says, “And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.: (Ar-Rum 30:21)
And He says, “Permitted to you, on the night of the fasts, is the approach to your wives. They are your garments and ye are their garments….” (Al-Baqarah 2:187)
Commentators on the Qur’an understand this to mean that husbands and wives are for mutual support, mutual comfort, and mutual protection.
Tranquility, love, and mercy summarize the ideals of Islamic marriage. It is the duty of the husband and wife to see that they are a source of comfort and tranquility for each other.
They should do everything physically, emotionally and spiritually to make each other feel happy and comfortable. They must care for each other. They should not harm or injure each other, either physically or verbally.
In order to increase the tranquility and comfort in their relations and in their home, they should love each other and be merciful and kind to each other.
In fact, Islam has honored woman and granted her an equal status with man. Moreover, a woman can excel a man by obeying Allah, drawing near to Him, and perfectly fulfilling her religious duties.
Here, it is worth mentioning that the first one to believe in the message of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) was Khadijah bint Khuwaylid (may Allah be pleased with her).
Fatimah, the daughter of Allah’s Prophet, is the best of all women on earth (in all generations).
Moreover, many women have made great contributions to Islam and Islamic history has witnessed many of women’s honorable stances.
It is not permissible for the husband or any other person to treat women except in a good and kind manner. They cannot say to them anything but only good and kind words.
A husband who treats his wife in the manner stated in the question is contradicting Islamic teachings. Islam enjoins husbands to treat their wives kindly.
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “Treat women nicely…” and “The best amongst you, are the best for their wives, and I am the best of you for my wives.”
I would like to ask the husband referred to in the question from where he brought the statement that “a woman should never be listened to unless she invites her husband to prayer or fasting.”
The Prophet (peace be upon him) used to seek the counsel and advice of his wives, play with them, travel with them, listen to their opinions, and fulfill all their rights.
Here, we can review the well-known stance of Umm Salamah, the Mother of the Believers, when the Muslims concluded the Hudaybiyyah Peace Treaty with the polytheists of Makkah.
The Prophet (peace be upon him) ordered his Companions to slaughter their sacrificial animals, but they were too depressed to do that.
The Prophet (peace be upon him) gave instructions in this regard three times but with negative response. He told his wife Umm Salamah about this attitude of his Companions. She advised him to take the initiative, slaughter his animal and have his head shaved. Seeing that, the Muslims started to slaughter their animals and shave their heads. The advice of the Mother of the Believers in this situation was very good and highly appreciated.
We also know that many women have wise opinions and ways of conduct that lead to much goodness in all fields of life. Therefore, I advise the husband referred to in the question and others who behave like him to give up their arrogance and reconsider the lack of their knowledge of the religion and to treat their wives as full human beings.
A Muslim should treat his wife with extreme gentleness and love and seek her advice in all his affairs, as this enables one to lead a happy and well-organized life.
Almighty Allah says, “And they (women) have rights similar to those (of men) over them in kindness…” (Al-Baqaraqh 2:228)
A questioner asks about the differences between how the soul is viewed in science and religions, and whether the concept of the soul exist in science or not. What is Islam’s perspective of the soul? Dr. Shabir Ally answers.
Some people rush into marriage without really understanding what an Islamic marriage entails or in your case as a woman, what your rights are.
As your boyfriend is a Muslim and you are possibly thinking of reverting, I would suggest sister that you continue to study and learn about Islam before making a commitment to revert.
When we take shahada, which is our testimony of faith, we take it based on our knowledge.
That Islam is the one true religion and that there is no God but Allah and that the prophet Mohammad (PBUH) was His last messenger. This is between you and Allah SWT.
As you know already, this should not be something that you do in order to get married to your boyfriend.
Furthermore, your boyfriend may be a bit misinformed when he states that it is a requirement for you to become Muslim in order to get married to him unless you are not within the criteria.
Check out this counseling video:
I’m not sure which religion you practice or if you even practice a religion, but Muslim men are permitted to marry women of the books.
This means a Muslim man can marry a practicing Christian, Jew and obviously a Muslim woman.
So, if you fall into any of those categories you do not have to revert for him to marry you. It is preferable that you revert.
However it is only from the depths of your heart and true belief that should you revert to Islam.
One cannot revert to Islam just to please a potential marriage partner, a friend, family member, or anyone else.
Becoming a Muslim and practicing Islam is a very serious matter and a very important life change.
It takes dedication and a true heart dedicated to Islam. With that said, let’s look at some of your concerns.
Regarding some of the other requirements pertaining to the rights of a wife and a husband.
Culture & Islam
First, I would like to ask you insha’Allah to study your boyfriend’s culture and learn what his customs and beliefs are.
Ask him questions about his hometown, his family, and what it was like growing up.
As he is from India, he may have some cultural beliefs that he is introducing as Islamic beliefs.
This is often an issue at times when people hold very strong tribal or cultural beliefs and interpret them as Islamic rules or laws.
For instance, in some cultures, they feel that it is mandatory that the parents pick out the spouse for their children, which is untrue.
As Muslims, we can marry whomever we choose so long as that person meets Islamic requirements.
Difference between Islam and culture
Also, we are not being disrespectful towards our parents if we do not marry who they chose.
Other cultural traditions dictate the girl’s family pays a dowry to the boy and his family.
This is also incorrect, it is the man who pays a dowry to his wife to be.
However, as traditions and practices are handed down generation after generation, it may be that they are not aware that it is not Islamic law.
While learning his culture and getting to know the societal standards and norms in the part of India from which he comes, you may see something that doesn’t seem right to you.
If you don’t find it in the Quran or in reputable Hadiths such as ones narrated by Bukhari or Muslim, you may want to question it further.
While cultures and tribal traditions and beliefs can be a very beautiful and enriching experience, we must be careful not to let it intertwine with Islam.
There are also traditional practices in some countries which are harmful to women but accepted by society.
Women’s Rights in Islam
In Islam, women have been given many rights. For instance, in the time of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), women were given the right to vote.
In Islam, women were given the right to vote way before women were given the right to vote in the US.
In marriage, you have the right to have your husband provide for your financial support, which is food, shelter, clothing, etc.
You also have the right to be treated well; that means to be treated with love, respect, kindness, and mercy.
You have the right to seek a divorce. You have the right to go to school if you choose or to work.
There are many women in Islam who are doctors, lawyers, teachers, CEO’s, and even politicians. Should you choose to work, the money you earn from your job is not your husband’s, but it is yours and should you choose to contribute to the household that is a blessing.
You have the right to have children should you choose to as well as the right to stay home and care for them (many women in the US wish for this!).
These are only a few of a woman’s rights sister and I encourage you to become more familiar with them.
Obedience & Submission
In regards to women and obedience to their husbands, yes we are to be obedient to our husbands. This is also stated in the Bible.
However, it is not to be taken as an oppressive condition, but it is to be understood as a partnership where the husband is the head of the household.
The idea that you must ask your husband every time you want to leave home is not carried out in a restrictive or oppressive sense. It is not meant to be a master and slave arrangement.
As you live in the US, you wonder how women adapt to this in a marriage.
As the US claims to be a Christian country, marriages based on Biblical principles have this familial order as well.
“Ephesians 5: Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”
Based on the above verse, it appears that there should not be an issue or confusion for Christian women in the US as it is in their teachings as well.
Different perspective
Sister, try to look at it from a different perspective. You and a potential husband each share a special bond and trust.
You consult him, and he consults you, but in the final, he is the head of the household.
The prophet (PBUH) was the best of husbands and he did consult with his wives.
I am sure that you do not want to be with a man who is not capable of being a loving head of the household, do you?
I do understand, however, your fear of the words “obedient” and “submissive” as there are much abuse and mistreatment of women.
Some men do take these terms to oppressive and violent extremes and it means just the opposite.
One must be worthy of having the position of “head of home”.
To be obedient and submissive means that there is a level of respect and honor, just as a husband should have for his wife.
So, in his honor and out of respect for her, he is not going to put down anything harsh or unfair upon her.
For instance, if you want to go out for dinner with your girlfriends and your husband had something planned that night, he may suggest that you go out another night.
Also, for safety reasons, it’s good to be accompanied or knows where you are in case something happens or if there’s an emergency.
It is not to be taken as a prison sentence.
Marriage is a partnership wherein a husband and wife live in harmony. They trust one another.
The husband is required to be affectionate and accommodating to meet the needs of his wife in all regards.
However, as to who is in charge, it is the husband who is more suitable to be the head of the family.
Is not a case of gender that dictates submissiveness, it is an authority.
In the Qur’an 4:34, women are directed to submit to men, and again not because men are superior human beings, but because they have been given the authority to be the head of their households.
Trusting Helpmates
In regards to seeking permission every time you want to leave the house, if there is mutual trust between you and your husband then in general circumstances there’s no need for you to keep asking for permission to go out.
I have never heard a wife say, “May I please go to the store?” I have heard, “honey, I’m going to the store is there anything you need?”
The husband may say “Oh I need this and that” . Or he may say, “Honey, I think it’s too late to be going to the store, wait until tomorrow.”
This is where the wife should be obedient and trust her husband in his judgment.
Just as your husband may say “I’m going to so and so’s a house”, you may feel it is a bad idea for valid reasons. And express your opinions in a loving way.
He would be wise to listen to you prior to deciding. Your husband is not to be an oppressor.
You are to be helpmates for one another. With your husband in charge.
The Quran states that
“And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable” (2:228).
Notice the words “reasonable”? A man must be just and reasonable sister, as we must be just and reasonable as well. Marriage is about to give and take.
Look at the Present
Sister, what is your relationship like now? It seems you have been together for a while.
Do you ask him if you can do things now? Is he over-bearing? Does he make unreasonable demands?
If so, it may be time to rethink things. If not, then perhaps he will be a just, loving, and respectful husband.
As your boyfriend is a Muslim.This relationship is haram in itself -as he is not supposed to have a girlfriend.
I am wondering why he is pressing the issues of obedience to him. If you marry when he is not being obedient to Allah.
By having a relationship with you, but that’s another topic.
The Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) was the Best of Husbands
Sister, insha’Allah continue studying Islam, learn about your boyfriend’s cultural practices and way of life.
Take some Islamic pre-marital classes to learn more about marriage. The rights of each spouse and what Allah expects from us.
Read about the prophet Mohammad (PBUH) and his wives.
The prophet was indeed the best of husbands and his wives were happy and accomplished.
I think you would enjoy learning about his wives, you will be inspired.
First, I want to explain that everyone is born in a state of Islam (Fitra). That is pure, innocent and free:
“No baby is born but upon Fitra. It is his parents who make him a Jew or a Christian or a Polytheist. A person said: Allah’s Messenger, what is your opinion if they were to die before that (before reaching the age of adolescence when they can distinguish between right and wrong)? He said: It is Allah alone Who knows what they would be doing. (Sahih Muslim)
Free Will: A Punishment?
Free will is a blessing in disguise. Allah, the All Just, has given us the chance to ponder upon things and make choices. Some may argue that as humans we are unfit for free will as then we will inevitably make wrong choices and may lose our way. What better than having a free ticket to Paradise?
True, but still Allah gives us infinite chances to repent and get back on track every time we err. What honors us as humans is Allah’s gift of choice through comprehension and recognition, etc.
Allah says (meaning): He taught Adam the names of all things, then He presented them to the angels and said:
“Tell Me the names of these, if what you say is true?” They replied, “Glory be to You! We have no knowledge except what You have taught us. You are truly the All-Knowing, All-Wise.”Allah said, “O Adam! Inform them of their names.” Then when Adam did, Allah said, “Did I not tell you that I know the secrets of the heavens and the earth, and I know what you reveal and what you conceal?” (Quran 2:31-33)
Can someone have a blind heart?
Rest assured that Allah will not do injustice to anyone. Everyone has a chance to go back to their fitra along the way, even those who continued to be raised as Muslims can fall into disbelief but they are always given a chance for guidance if they do not shut its door.
It is through choice only that someone decides to disbelieve. Even the people of Quraish at the time of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) knew that they were disbelieving but their arrogance and blind following of their ancestors stopped them from embracing Islam.
That is: a blind heart is a personal active choice. When we think we can play God and constantly question and debate this and that..who are we to fathom Allah’s Divine Knowledge?
Did the True Message Reach Everyone?
Ibn Abbas (may Allah be pleased with him) said:
“The fate of disbelievers is left only to Allah to decide.”
If it happens that some people do not hear about or fully understand the message of Islam, it is out of God’s mercy that He will not punish them for not following Islam. Allah says:
{[…] And never would We punish until We send a messenger.} (Quran 17:15)
Can Shaytan Fool Us?
Only if we let him. Allah has promised us:
When you recite the Quran, seek refuge with Allah from Satan, the accursed. He certainly has no authority over those who believe and put their trust in their Lord. His authority is only over those who take him as a patron and who—under his influence—associate ˹others˺ with Allah ˹in worship˺. {Quran 16:98-100}
Infinite Justice
So, dear sister, Allah does not do injustice to anyone.
Those people who live good and honest lives and worship God as they understand him, and those who have not come into contact with Islam, will surely be judged mercifully by the All-Merciful.
There is a notion mentioned in the Bible that women are created for men. In 1 Corinthians 11:7-9
“7 A man ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man.…
8 For man did not come from woman, but woman from man.…
9 neither was man created for woman, but woman for man.”
But, this is not the Islamic perspective.
Does The Quran Say Men Are Superior to Women?
Allah Almighty explained clearly that both men and women are equal before Him as worshippers, and their rewards are according to their tests and deeds.
Allah says:
“The believing men and believing women are allies of one another. They enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and establish prayer and give zakah and obey Allah and His Messenger. Those – Allah will have mercy upon them. Indeed, Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.” (Quran 9:71)
And Allah Almighty also says:
“And whoever does righteous deeds, whether male or female, while being a believer – those will enter Paradise and will not be wronged, [even as much as] the speck on a date seed.” (Quran 4: 124)
And The Prophet (peace and blessings upon him) said:
“Indeed women are the counterparts of men.” [Sunan Abi Dawud]
And Allah very articulately mentioned women and their virtuous deeds being equal in His sight with men, like in this verse:
“Indeed, the Muslim men and Muslim women, the believing men and believing women, the obedient men and obedient women, the truthful men and truthful women, the patient men and patient women, the humble men and humble women, the charitable men and charitable women, the fasting men and fasting women, the men who guard their private parts and the women who do so, and the men who remember Allah often and the women who do so – for them Allah has prepared forgiveness and a great reward.” (Quran 33: 35)
So, no, women are NOT inferior in the sight of Allah, and this perception is not befitting of Allah, The Just, The Wise, The Merciful.
The Misinterpretation of the Word ‘Qawamoon’
Regarding the verse you mentioned, one mistake that people often fall into is neglecting the context and the proper understanding of the language of the Quran/hadith they’re trying to understand.
So, let’s understand the verse you mentioned clearly.
The translation of the verse in English goes something as follows:
“Husbands [are qawamoon] should take good care of their wives, with [the bounties] God has given to some more than others and with what they spend out of their own money.” (Quran 4:34)
First, what does the word “qawam” mean? The word qawam is a superlative form of the word ‘qama’. When we say someone is “qawam” at night, it means he stands earnestly in worship at night.
Qawam means in charge of taking care of something in particular. It is not “Saggan” (Imprisoner or oppressor). It is “Qawam” which is the protector, the maintainer, the one in charge of taking care of the affairs of…etc.
So, qawam is someone who works to serve and take care of something/someone else.
When the verse in the Quran says:
“Husbands should take good care of their wives, with [the bounties] God has given to some more than others and with what they spend out of their own money.” (4:34)
This means that men are in charge of serving and taking care of their women with what Allah has given them like their physical strength (protection of women) and money (spending on women).
Honor & Protection of Women
Islamically, a woman is not obligated to work or spend on anyone or to put herself in any physical danger/harm.
If a woman chooses to work and has her own money, then she keeps her own money to buy whatever she wants for herself. She is not instructed in to spend her money on her husband or the house. If she did out of her own desire, it will be counted for her with Allah as charity towards them!
Men are Commanded to Protect and Spend on Women
However, men don’t have this luxury or choice. Men are commanded to protect and spend on women.
In matters of protection and spending, Allah instructs men alone to take care of that. This is why they’re qawamoon, with the obligation and bounties given to them to fulfill their role. And this should be understood and respected. It’s not about both husband and wife doing the exact same role. Equality is not about sameness, it is about understanding the capabilities and needs of each party and dealing with them accordingly.
Allah Almighty instructs husbands and wives to consult one another.
For example:
“Upon the father is the mothers’ provision and their clothing according to what is acceptable. No person is charged with more than his capacity. No mother should be harmed through her child, and no father through his child. And upon the [father’s] heir is [a duty] like that [of the father]. And if they both desire weaning through mutual consent from both of them and consultation, there is no blame upon either of them. And if you wish to have your children nursed by a substitute, there is no blame upon you as long as you give payment according to what is acceptable. And fear Allah and know that Allah is Seeing of what you do.” (Quran 2: 233)
So even in the issue of weaning a child, they’re instructed to communicate and consult one another.
Bottom line: Qawama is a responsibility and mandate upon the man, it is not an honor bestowed upon him. It is a responsibility that he will be asked about.
